blah random thoughts

so this is me thinking.perhaps if i write it all out it will make more sense to me. salt lake has more opportunity to meet ppl and to go some where in a career. but i am tired of living here and working all the time and having no money cause i pay all the bills on time which is why i need to get a career and get some money. but i could move home.. i would still have to pay the rent there. i could go to school here and there but i would miss out on this semester unless i started it here or moved before my lease was up and move back home. i guess im just tired of being alone out here.. all of my friends are seriously in relationships and so happy with them that i dont have anyone to hang with...when im not working. which is all the friggin time! I wanna move to new york. ha just a thought. id love to move home and be home with sin when she raises her baby but id much rather be home in a few years when i have a career and can afford to help her out better. if i go home ill have family that love me but i will still be in russellville. which i hold a big grudge against that city. it has nvr done anything for me. this sounds stupid but i dont want to go to a high school reuniion and say that i still live in russellville. how LAME is that for real! there is more of a music scene out here. there is more oppourtunity to progress out here. i guess i just need to find better friends that wont ditch me all the time. every time i try to figure this out in my head i come to the conclusion that staying here is the better choice. i think im just gonna give this place one more semester. i cant really lose anything. i will go to school and try to start something for myself. i know arkansas has schools i can go to but like i said...i just dont wanna live there again. i would love if my family would live by me. im not saying i will nvr move home bc if after this semester nothing has happened...i havnt been able to save money..i havnt gone on a few dates...i havnt progressed any in school..then i will prolly move home but for now i think i will just stay here. i will get on ksl and find a cheap place to live at the beginning of jan. my car is almost paid off so i can get a new one i just really hope that it doesnt die before i get the chance to get a new one. stay with me car! i think right now i am just tired of being broke although i work like 60 hrs a wk. im tired of not being able to have a social life because i work all the time and when i get the chance to hang i dont have money to do anyting. im tired of other ppl being in realtionships and it seems impossible for me to even get a guy to ask me out. im tired of the 5 pds ive gained because i dont have time to exercise and im tired of being so damn cold all the time. well i think thats it for now. im glad i got to write this out. it actually helped to clear my head. now i just have to get registered for school. i get to go home soon. i wish i could visit for longer then 9 days but thatll prolly be enough to keep me broke for a bit:)

fa la la la la la la la la

it is officially the christmas season. today i walked in the store to do some shopping and heard the jolly ringing of those salvation army bells. after that i walked into work and heard christmas music playing over the intercom. it is a week before thanksgiving and christmas has already started. on another note i get to go home in less than a month for 10 days to spend the christmas season with the fam. i am super excited for that! woooo.

today while on the phone with sieanne i came to the conclusion that i might not have the moral compass and i am strangely ok with that. ill figure out if i should worry about that at some other point in my life. well im off to eat the first of many thanksgiving dinners. 10 pounds of thanksgiving cheer here i come!

sometimes i see myself as an adult. its weird really. like right now. i am sitting on my balcony at my apartment that is hundreds of miles away from my family, wearing clothes that i bought for myself yesterday (off the sales rack of course), making plans to hang with the girls tonight! yep im just basking in the sun. i have this weird thing about me. i take one situation in my life and i take it off onto other scenarios. i am always accessing the good and the bad of choices. i must say this is more of a recent thing that i do but none the less i do it. its not a bad thing but it tends to take up alot of brain capacity. hmmm i think blogging for me is just a way to talk to myself through writing. ha. like all these thoughts are just running through my head right now so this postt will prolly not make much sense. feel free to stop reading.

so i will be going to school next semester. im not quite sure what i am going to be in life yet but i have a few directions. i like legal stuff but i dont know if i have the balls to be a lawyer.....but i could surprise myself.. hmmm ppl tell me i should get into graphic design or fashion design...i would love both but those are both 2 cutthroat areas of business...but then again what business these days isnt. ya so im looking forward to that. i am also looking forward to moving to be closer to my fam after school. idk when that will be exactly. at least another year or 2 here. maybe by then they will move closer to me. haha.

so i think i am part crazy. i dont get mad at ppl usually. i hold it back and smile and then forget about it. but every once in awhile i will just break and whoever it is that made me break will get the full wrath of my pent up emotions. ooopsies. my sympathies to another manager at sonic who called me lazy behind my back...and since all of my employees adore me....it got baack to me. she ended up quitting. it is not my fault that she picked the wrong time to talk smack. eh another one will come along. at least i dont make a habit of offing sonic managers...perhaps then i wouldnt have a job. haha. its sonic. id survive.

ya so i think this is all im thinking about at the moment. oh i am thinking of how good my new perfume smells....L.A.M.B. yes i have to thank shasta for loving gwen and getting me too as well. i smell lovely! hmm and perhaps i need a pedicure. no crude comments from sieanne please and thank you!

yep so i miss my fam. much love to lexi, and sin, and shast, and mum and pops. and of course shasta you better give all those nuggets some love from me. sin you can pat your lil nugget on the tummy and tell her i am somewhere out here....even though we sound alike on the phone and she prolly thinks you are having full blown conversations with yourself when she hears us talking. haha she already knows your crazy. love u guys. im off to find food. yummmm. besos!!!

insert clever title here.

so yesterday was quite humorous for about 1 1/2 hours. the rest of the time i was working or sleeping...both of which are not funny at all and id be offended if you laughed:) kk well i had to go and get my food handlers permit for sonic. ive been at this sonic for almost 8 months. so you can imagine how pissed my boss was when he realized that i didnt have my permit. oopsies. so i walk into the class and there is a line of ppl. well actually 2 lines. one for the espanol speakers and one for us white speakin folk. ya i went right to the front of my line. the other line held about 20 ppl with a geo full of ppl yet to come. after that i sat down at a random table to chat chit with myself about the ridiculousness of my situation. this lady came up to me and handed me a piece of paper talking about how to get a GED. haha i looked at her and said..."uh i graduated." she looked at me and rolled her eyes then snatched the paper back. i laughed because i guess they assume that everyone in need of a fast food handlers permit is in need of a high school education as well. i looked around and everyone else seemed to be reading the paper with some interest. so then they split the class up for the ingles and the espanol. i was forced to sit through an hour of this lady talking about how germs kill while trying to be the next dane cook. no one laughed though. hopefully she got the point. so one can imagine that i got a bit bored. so i was looking around and was checking out a few of the attractive looking individuals. one was a cutie ginger with gauges but prolly no more than 17. dang. the other one i was looking at was pretty caute i thought. that is until he stood up and put his bag over his shoulder which accentuated his boobs. ya oops.....twas a girl. you would think after a few years of distinguishing the sex of ppl id have it figured out. hmmmm. well after all this i got a little blue card with my name on it that the health department will not replace if lost.

$15 for 1.5 hours of my life ill never get back - priceless.

out with the old in with the new!

i have worn my plaid jacket a little over year on pretty much a daily basis. it has holes that have grown in it. it also has a sonic aroma to it no matter how many times it is washed. it is pretty much the most hardcore coat i have ever owned. i finally retired it and replaced it today with an exact replica but with an added on fur hood. my life is bueno at the moment:) RIP plaid jacket #1.

fallen leaf

something happens when you leave the world behind and find a quiet corner in nature.

something happens when you forget about your 60 hr work weeks.

something happens when you leave the worry of new beginnings and failing friendships behind.

something happens when you forget about other peoples worries and yours as well.

something happens when the sound of the city fades and the cold wind finds your hair and the colors of fall fall into your eyes and every breath is snow from the top of the mountain.

its something and that something is amazing. free therapy. to the next customer in line...middle finger raised. cause im in my corner of therapy.

.

no worries...im just an insomniac.

its cold in the desert at night. my brain doesnt seem to shut off anymore. sleep isnt natural anymore. i have to force it with pills. but its too late for that right now. i will have to fall into a big pile of exhaustion sometime after dawn. thought after thought. school,family,religion,love,friendships. things that should be put away and thought about after a good nights rest. i will fall asleep and wake up to my continuing thought process. 

life is about making it what you want it to be. all the power in the world is held within each individual. we take the power we have and put it towards the happiness we think will bring us joy. i want to fix everyone i meet. i want to make sure their life is full of happiness before i move on to the next. money should not be a factor in this but it is. i want to be able to help those in need. i cant. i want to fix the world. i cant. i want to sleep. i cant. 

perhaps this life isnt about getting what i want. it is about learning how to help others in their time of need. i look at people around me....most of them older than me...most of them telling me how young and naive i am....most of them in need of  a smile and a chat chit. i will be the young and naive one to help them out. i will be the one to fix them and then move on to the next. 

perhaps the next hour will bring sleep.

the story

so life is turning out to be quite interesting lately. this is in no way a diss on you sieanne but when u were here i was comfortable just hanging with you. we didnt really get out much. but lately i have been getting out and actually meeting new people and hanging out with them. its quite exciting and somewhat of a new concept for me. haha im lame. so i got accepted to ldsbc. im pretty excited about that for sure. i feel like im trying to make something of my life again. it also means that my stay in SLC is gonna be longer than i ever expected. i thought a year was gonna b the max but itll b a bit longer now. so life is moving forward. im excited to see what happens for sure.

RAWR. that means i love you in dinosaur!

and a round of applause for sieanne. she made it in utah for 6 months and 28 days. its amazing how many experiences one can have in that amount of time. 6 months and 28 days can mean nothing in one persons life and everything in anothers. i think life is about living. mistakes will be made, love will be lost, friends will be made and lessons will be learned. congrats on a memorable time here. take care of yourself and mush!

while the city sleeps, we rule the streets

i am loving the city. it has taken about 6 months but i love it! i come into salt lake everyday now. i go to coffee break every morning with sieanne and we chill for about 30 minutes and just listen to the traffic drive by. then we go to work at atomic blonde! it is a way fun job to have! i dont get paid in a traditional way! i get free product like every week! hahaha so fun! i cant believe me and sin have been here for 6 months. it is just mind-blowing. haha we didnt even venture into the city for like the first 3 months we lived here! now i cant wait for our lease to be up so we can move closer into the city for another year of fun! i love the friends ive made here and the new lifestyle ive adjusted to. its definitely a much faster paced one then what ive been used to the past 20 years. i just love this city. it is definitely a hippie culture here. yesterday a friend asked me what was different from here and arkansas. i told him there are less cows. he said that there are cows here. i laughed a bit and told him i havnt seen any. i also love that there is always something going on here. the past 2 weekends there have been different festivals. there was an eco friendly "go green" festival then a folk one! so fun. this summer is going to be packed with free concerts! im so excited! alright well back to work....nah...back to fun! 

oh please just let me please breakdown

My empty room

Crowded to soon
I look for the fire escape
I picture myself
Running like hell
Making my getaway

The walls are caving in with no warning
This ship is sinking, I gotta swim for it
I'm running out of air

Break me out tonight
I wanna see the sun rising anywhere but here
Come with me
Oh, this could be
The only chance we get
We gotta take it
We don't do it now we'll never make it
Lose this crowd
Oh break me out

Whisper of our feet
Sneak down the street
Some kind of secret race
They'll carry on
Won't notice we're gone
So easily replaced

The walls are caving in with no warning
This ship is sinking, I gotta swim for it
I'm running out of air

Break me out tonight
I wanna see the sun rising anywhere but here
Come with me
Oh, this could be
The only chance we get
We gotta take it
We don't do it now we'll never make it
Lose this crowd
Oh break me out

The walls are caving in with no warning
This ship is sinking, I gotta swim for it
I got a feeling we're better off anyway
I don't care what they say

Break me out tonight
I wanna see the sun rising anywhere but here
Come with me
Oh, this could be
The only chance we get
We gotta take it
We don't do it now we'll never make it
Lose this crowd
Oh break me out

yep....my feelings i life right now. so much happening for seamlessly no reason at all. happening all at once and yet time doesnt move. moments in life like this are needed but just not now would be nice.

day 13 of 13-the final riot!

well last night was it! my 30 day journey turned to 13. i think i still became a little bit of a night owl. last night was fun. some drunken boys that come through all the time came through last night and we ended up hanging out in the parking lot. haha! aight so some of the lessons ii have learned over the past 2 weeks. i have learned to be patient with drunk and stoned persons when they are ordering really slowly! i have learned to be completely bored for hours and not go to sleep because of it. i have learned to not be so jumpy when hobos walk by...although i still am a really jumpy person. i have also learned to sleep during the day...which kinda sucks because i now have to relearn to sleep at night like most other normal/boring peeps! yep yep well thats it...thats all! goodbye graveyard!

day 12 of 13!-i wanna tear you apart

so last night started out with me intently listening to sonic radio bc kara dedicated me a song on it! haha i love her! the song was my girl....awwwwwwwwww! that was the highlight of my night for sure! although the rest of the night wasnt bad at all! around 1 oclock michelle got a call from aaron! he got out of jail early! way early!!! so she went and picked him up and hurried back as quickly as she could. we totally had a rush for a bit but it was totally ok cause aaron was there to help! woo. i pretty much attacked him with the biggest hug possible when he walked through the door. haha. so im going to do one more shift for him tonight because apparently he didnt get that much sleep in le jail...i dont see why not. jk jk! poor lil nugget. well im going to get some sleep so i can work my last shift of this not quite 30 day mess! 

day 10 and 11 of 27 - anna molly

yesterday was pretty crazy so i had no time to write a post or sleep!!! so wed night we had no orders from 2-6am....pretty much i sat on my ass and watched a romantic movie..ooers! the bread man scared me half to death at 4:30a...he usually doesnt come in till 8 but is now going to start coming a bit earlier. he prolly thought i was a weirdy for sitting in a completely dead sonic watching 2 weeks notice. perhaps he thought....she needs to get a life. i tell u bread man! sonic is my life!.....for a few more days that is... than it is back to workin days and getting down on the dance floor at night! so moving on to last night. rebecca and sieanne came by to visit for a few minutes! we had a dance party and i invited a nice lookin individual at the drive thru to join us but he politely declined as he was emptying out his pipe..."maybe another time" he said. after they left and my cook left....i was bored. but then christine showed up! yaya. we talked about life and love and right as we were talking about love....i cut a tomato and it smushed everywhere! haha coincidence...i think not! love is like a tomato....if it is smooshy to begin with then it will not cut properly...it has to be nice and firm to be cut into a good tomato to later be eaten with a dead cow patty. yuuummmmm!!! yes well now i have updated for 2 days...sorry about the delay. i havnt slept in many hours and it shows cause i left my phone at work! who does that. oh yes....a very tired individual. 

day 9 of 30- supermassive black hole

to be completely honest...i dont really remember last night. it just kinda went by really fast without anything too interesting happening so ya. haha lame i know. around 3a some jeep got pulled over and like 3 cops came to the scene...i tried not to stare too much but they might have noticed cause after they let the jeep go they kinda pulled over to the side of the road and they chilled there for like an hour. i tried to make it exciting for them...i turned the music up and danced. haha. ur welcome sirs! so i took trax to work and home this morning. i do believe i am turning into not only a night owl but also a city girl. very tiring business. 

day 8 of 30- my hearts giving in to my eyes

last night was way fun. so maybe not for 2 hours cause i was all alone.  but then around 3 scottie and christine show up! we pretty much were crazy all night. we found a batman cardboard cutout and i decided to makeout with him and dance with him....and i got a papercut for him! how rude. so then we all chugged energy drinks and got wild and crazy! wooooo. when the morning manager came in she looked at us like we were on something. haha. whatev

day 7 of 30- poker face

so the kid is getting out for sure on the 27th and if he is a good lil boy then he will be getting out 5 days prior to that! i mentioned the lapdance to his mom and she was not amused. i think that utah humor is different than arkansas humor. apparently jokes about being slutty arent funny! haha. totally acceptable back home. yep so an officer came thru the drive around 1:30a and he was kinda shocked that i was alone. he then sat across the road for like 3 hrs. i felt very safe. after he left, a cop car pretty much went around the block every 15 min. the block that sonic sits on is surrounded by apts that are constantly get busted for drugs. very classy. that might be the reason that our sonic is the busiest in the area. munchies!!!! 

day 6 of 30- whatcha think about that

still no silver egg....uggg. so i got to train a lady for the graveyard. i was not alone last night. yay! the lady just happens to be the mom of the guy in jail. i must think of some incentive for the kid to get him to get out early...perhaps a lap dance. yep i will tell his mom to tell him. good stuff. some kid came through drive last night. pretty cute kid....he left. and then he came back like an hour later. i said hi..and the kids friend in the back seat drunkenly leaned forward a said..."if u just  give him your number then we can stop coming back." haha good stuff. i might have my first utah date soon. oooers!!

 

day 5 of 30- a box full of sharp objects

friday night. pretty busy for sure. not too much happened. oh well someone had a mental breakdown. after hugging her and assuring her i would sex up the managers so she wouldnt get fired, she left. so... i find my self sleeping in later and later. which isnt a bad thing cause it is just like my night. i usually go to sleep around 8 and then wake up at 5. i have to keep telling myself that i am not wasting my day.....its the night when i come out to play! rawr

day 4 of 30- whats my age again

so i walk into work and my boss tells me that aaron might possibly...10% chance...get out in 2 weeks. so fingers crossed...but not really. my boss is quite hilarious. he is from brazil so he has an amzing accent that is exotic and all but incredibly difficult to understand. pretty much the whole crew is like this. i find my self nodding in agreement and smiling or just looking at them with a face of complete confusion. so one of the cooks was hitting on me last night in spaniish. i couldnt actually understand his words but it was all in the body language. i find this funny/a bit scary. it is only me and him for like 2 hours of the night. he speaks no english but he likes to touch my arm alot......in case you missed out in high school, touching is definite flirtation! i wont read too much into this,  but i will however brush up on my spanish so i will know the phrases that i should know in this business. the business of sonic not the business of bilingual flirting! so around 3am a lesbian couple comes through sonic. they are both quite high and obviously in a little tiff with each other. the driver(non butch) was arguing that the passenger(butch cassidy) had said she loved another girl and meant it and so on. then the driver turned to me and and said i love u! the passenger was not happy at all! i smiled nervously and i think they drove off making out. awwwww love.  so it was obviously relationship night  at sonic. one of the carhops(boy) ex girlfriends came by...shes asian...and psycho. the 2 have no correlation except that i will be calling her the psycho asian. she talked to me for 20 min about how he was still in love with her and how he owed her money and how lucky he is to have her. meanwhile i am txtg the carhop..out of sight of the psycho asian...he is telling me that she is definitely crazy and he does owe her money but he is not in love with her. def def definitely not. which is good for me cause i think hes kinda cute. the psycho asian left and i was terrified that she was gonna go grab her gang and come kick my ass because she read my mind that 1) i didnt care what she was saying at all and 2) i think her ex bf is hott. hmmm yes. i am getting used to being awake. i get kinda tired around 3 or 4 but then around 5 i wake up and am ready to take on the day ... or just the 2 hours until i fall asleep at 7! and thanks to kara and chan for txtg me! i love getting txts. it lets me know that me and the hobo on the corner are not the only ones awake!

day 3 of 30 - buzzin

so it was 9:15pm when i headed off to work yesterday. i usually jump on the interstate to make my short 15 min commute. i feel so cool that i i know my way in the big city by way of the interstate. so as i am about to get onto the interstate i feel my car acting a fool and then look down to see that it has stopped working...yep just stopped. my car committed suicide! well it attempted it anyway. so i call sieanne but she has pretty much nothing to say to me so then i hang up and call chan. he came right over to see what was up. chan to the rescue! a big thank you to that nugget for sure. so while im waiting it starts to snow. uggg. when chan got there and took a look at things he couldnt really know anything for sure. so seeing as it was dark and friggin freezing, we left the silver egg in a parking lot. so i get to work and my nerves are a little bit fried. i messed up quite a few orders....my manager was not pleased but thankfully he understood. so after everyone left me alone, i busted out some movies. first came hitch. i must say i love this movie. sieanne cant stand it really but i quite like it. so after the movie i cleaned up around the already clean store a bit and then popped in the pineapple express. what a great movie for sure! a million crack ups later it is 5am. and i am bored. so i pretty much got a 2nd wave of energy...like a crack high or something...and i started cleaning like it was the end of the world. if i couldnt reach something then i used my hulk strength to move a table so i could stand on it to reach the dirtiness.  after the drugless high wore off i had a clean store to show for it. chan came and got me from work...once again thanks!!!...and we went to see if my car had slept it off. nope. so then we drove a new vw around. that was pretty much the highlight of my day and the end of my story. 

day 2 of 30- kiss me through the phone

recipe for making it through the night at sonic...lots and lots of caffeine and some amazing dance moves. easy like no bake cookies. so last night wasnt bad. the general manager planned to stay till midnight to go over some paper work with me but then at 12 we got a bunch of orders so he ended up staying till 1:30. so i was only in confinement for 5 hours. i get to train this lady for the night shift tmrw so she can help with take a few hours when aaron gets back. fun fun!  so last night around 3:03 some kids came by and ordered a burger. they were laughing like crazy while they were ordering. suspicious?... so i make the burger only to realize that they had reversed out of the drive as a joke. sometimes i wish i could be that cool. about a total of 6 ppl came through the drive thru from 2-6. 3 blood shot stoners, 2 tweekin crack heads, and a car full of teenage losers. 

day 1 of 30 - just dance

so i took over the graveyard shift at sonic for 30 days. very temporary. the regular night shift guy had a traffic violation worth jail time. oopsies. so from the hours of 10p to 7a...i am alone. alone to take the order, cook the order, bag the order, then deliver the order. i bet your thinking that sounds like the funnest thing in the world....your wrong. last night was my first night. sieanne agreed to stay with me. she only got a few hours of sleep in the car. for this i am very grateful. i am not quite sure what is going to happen when i am actually completely alone. i might fall asleep. to face boredom in the eyes and quite possibly laugh at it i will be equipped with my laptop and speakers, a book or 2, and possibly some other fun filled game/event/material. i intend to document my 30 days to see what changes i go through as sonic molds me into a night owl. should be very scientific indeed!

papercut skin

i have just been informed by none other than sinbinwinjin that my skin feels weird...."it does not feel like real skin. u must get new skin!" thank you for that epiphany! i now know why i will be single for the rest of my life. my skin will be the downfall of me! i wonder if they do whole body skin grafts?! and if so...how much? 

on a different note...although it is very much near impossible that i will ever stop thinking about my skin long enough to make a complete thought.....dancing tonight! no..more...iranians!!! cant spend money...gilmore girls from season 1...must get ready.

life or something like it

so i am sitting outside on my balcony and it is snowing. its not that cold though so it wont stick. but snow is gettting on my computer. haha. so i recently read a book and it was about a girl that made a list of things she wanted to accomplish before her 25th birthday.she was 24 1/2 when she wrote the list. i am 20 1/2.  i think i am going to make a list of things to do before i turn 21. im on it. yep so nothing too fun has happened lately. i went to a vampire valentines thing. i realized 2 things. i am not a fan of iranian men and i shouldnt wear a short skirt when it is below freezing outside. haha. i have made mental notes about both. yesterday i took out my lip ring cause i was sitting in church and realized that ppl only see the ring and judge from there. and i will never be able to get a real job with it so i no longer have it and the hole is already grown in. and this is my peace sign collage that is on my wall! i made it out of pics that i love.love.love! so i feel like this blogger thing is prolly really good therapy for life. if i get angry...ill blog about it. if im happy..ill blog about it. if i have questions... ill prolly blog about! 

snow just landed on my hand. so i ate it.