dont wanna tell you i told you so.

So im just not quite sure what to do with life right now. Ive got school going for me. I love learning how design clothes, i really do! I have work which is actually pretty fun most of the time. And my new place downtown is just uhmazing! I love walking or using public transportation, which i was scared shitless of until now. Its not that im not happy right now but i also have prozac going for me so i might be medically happy and not know that im sad....hahah oh well. Guess i will figure everything out eventually but until then i will just chalk everything up to a learning experience even though sometimes i def dont want to learn my lesson and keep messing up in my search for an answer. well off to class...ps ive been at school since 9 this morning and will be here until 7...i hate wednesdays for this reason.

just when you thought i was normal...

days like today i think i might be a sociopath..."look at me,do i care?" other feelings through out the day mainly towards everyone that trys to make contact with me...dont talk to me. now why would i act like this when the rest of the time i am perfectly content with faking a smile towards any on looker...well i didnt say i had it all figured out. but just a warning...ill fake that smile and youll follow me right in....

un called for!

so i was standing in my kitchen just now making cookies. the kitchen window was slightly open through which i heard a moo-ing sound. first thought...are there cows around here? 2nd thought...omg! someone is watching me make cookies and making obscene cow noises at me! 3rd thought...my neices joke-what do cows say when they go backwards? oom oom. haha cracks me up every time but it wasnt enough to console me. so i went into sieannes room and told her about the incident. she stared at me in disbelief and reminded of the cow pasture not too far from our house. oh im glad someone knows the farm life that lives around here:)

all stars lead to a broken heart.

so im home! it feels good to have all my stuff back here. i am going to dc on wednesday to help with babies. i am def excited. i have loved meeting athalie. she is friggin adorable. and really a good baby. i am excited to go out to dc and start over pretty much. well see how things go. then i will be back home for the summer. i really dont know what i am up to really. i might move back to dc after the summer or back to slc. i really have no passion to stay here in arkansas. i love spending time with my family! but this city just doesnt do it for me anymore. uggg i obviously love making these decisions because i put myself in these situations all the time for sure. yep yep well i will enjoy a few more day shere then off to dc. i must get used to no sleep!

ask me what its like to have myself so figured out...

so i get to go hang out with all the cool people in park city. im excited. perhaps i will land on E! in the background of an actual big star. ooooo. the thing i love most about sundance is that everyone is there just to chill. note to self. must work at sundance before i die. hmmm perhaps i should lower that timeframe a bit....within the next 5 years. idk where ill be in life by then but i will make it back before then. well new year, a month has already passed and you are already kicking my ass. school and work and work and school. new equation. minus a job and add in a social life.

ive realized i need to add a few hobbies into my life so when i actually find myself on my day off and out of school i will be able to function properly. my social life needs to improve so i can find a cute guy and not freak out in my normal style. must keep it cool. im sure there is a manual i need to read that will instruct me in these ways.

off to find out how live my life. tootles.

blah random thoughts

so this is me thinking.perhaps if i write it all out it will make more sense to me. salt lake has more opportunity to meet ppl and to go some where in a career. but i am tired of living here and working all the time and having no money cause i pay all the bills on time which is why i need to get a career and get some money. but i could move home.. i would still have to pay the rent there. i could go to school here and there but i would miss out on this semester unless i started it here or moved before my lease was up and move back home. i guess im just tired of being alone out here.. all of my friends are seriously in relationships and so happy with them that i dont have anyone to hang with...when im not working. which is all the friggin time! I wanna move to new york. ha just a thought. id love to move home and be home with sin when she raises her baby but id much rather be home in a few years when i have a career and can afford to help her out better. if i go home ill have family that love me but i will still be in russellville. which i hold a big grudge against that city. it has nvr done anything for me. this sounds stupid but i dont want to go to a high school reuniion and say that i still live in russellville. how LAME is that for real! there is more of a music scene out here. there is more oppourtunity to progress out here. i guess i just need to find better friends that wont ditch me all the time. every time i try to figure this out in my head i come to the conclusion that staying here is the better choice. i think im just gonna give this place one more semester. i cant really lose anything. i will go to school and try to start something for myself. i know arkansas has schools i can go to but like i said...i just dont wanna live there again. i would love if my family would live by me. im not saying i will nvr move home bc if after this semester nothing has happened...i havnt been able to save money..i havnt gone on a few dates...i havnt progressed any in school..then i will prolly move home but for now i think i will just stay here. i will get on ksl and find a cheap place to live at the beginning of jan. my car is almost paid off so i can get a new one i just really hope that it doesnt die before i get the chance to get a new one. stay with me car! i think right now i am just tired of being broke although i work like 60 hrs a wk. im tired of not being able to have a social life because i work all the time and when i get the chance to hang i dont have money to do anyting. im tired of other ppl being in realtionships and it seems impossible for me to even get a guy to ask me out. im tired of the 5 pds ive gained because i dont have time to exercise and im tired of being so damn cold all the time. well i think thats it for now. im glad i got to write this out. it actually helped to clear my head. now i just have to get registered for school. i get to go home soon. i wish i could visit for longer then 9 days but thatll prolly be enough to keep me broke for a bit:)

fa la la la la la la la la

it is officially the christmas season. today i walked in the store to do some shopping and heard the jolly ringing of those salvation army bells. after that i walked into work and heard christmas music playing over the intercom. it is a week before thanksgiving and christmas has already started. on another note i get to go home in less than a month for 10 days to spend the christmas season with the fam. i am super excited for that! woooo.

today while on the phone with sieanne i came to the conclusion that i might not have the moral compass and i am strangely ok with that. ill figure out if i should worry about that at some other point in my life. well im off to eat the first of many thanksgiving dinners. 10 pounds of thanksgiving cheer here i come!

sometimes i see myself as an adult. its weird really. like right now. i am sitting on my balcony at my apartment that is hundreds of miles away from my family, wearing clothes that i bought for myself yesterday (off the sales rack of course), making plans to hang with the girls tonight! yep im just basking in the sun. i have this weird thing about me. i take one situation in my life and i take it off onto other scenarios. i am always accessing the good and the bad of choices. i must say this is more of a recent thing that i do but none the less i do it. its not a bad thing but it tends to take up alot of brain capacity. hmmm i think blogging for me is just a way to talk to myself through writing. ha. like all these thoughts are just running through my head right now so this postt will prolly not make much sense. feel free to stop reading.

so i will be going to school next semester. im not quite sure what i am going to be in life yet but i have a few directions. i like legal stuff but i dont know if i have the balls to be a lawyer.....but i could surprise myself.. hmmm ppl tell me i should get into graphic design or fashion design...i would love both but those are both 2 cutthroat areas of business...but then again what business these days isnt. ya so im looking forward to that. i am also looking forward to moving to be closer to my fam after school. idk when that will be exactly. at least another year or 2 here. maybe by then they will move closer to me. haha.

so i think i am part crazy. i dont get mad at ppl usually. i hold it back and smile and then forget about it. but every once in awhile i will just break and whoever it is that made me break will get the full wrath of my pent up emotions. ooopsies. my sympathies to another manager at sonic who called me lazy behind my back...and since all of my employees adore me....it got baack to me. she ended up quitting. it is not my fault that she picked the wrong time to talk smack. eh another one will come along. at least i dont make a habit of offing sonic managers...perhaps then i wouldnt have a job. haha. its sonic. id survive.

ya so i think this is all im thinking about at the moment. oh i am thinking of how good my new perfume smells....L.A.M.B. yes i have to thank shasta for loving gwen and getting me too as well. i smell lovely! hmm and perhaps i need a pedicure. no crude comments from sieanne please and thank you!

yep so i miss my fam. much love to lexi, and sin, and shast, and mum and pops. and of course shasta you better give all those nuggets some love from me. sin you can pat your lil nugget on the tummy and tell her i am somewhere out here....even though we sound alike on the phone and she prolly thinks you are having full blown conversations with yourself when she hears us talking. haha she already knows your crazy. love u guys. im off to find food. yummmm. besos!!!

insert clever title here.

so yesterday was quite humorous for about 1 1/2 hours. the rest of the time i was working or sleeping...both of which are not funny at all and id be offended if you laughed:) kk well i had to go and get my food handlers permit for sonic. ive been at this sonic for almost 8 months. so you can imagine how pissed my boss was when he realized that i didnt have my permit. oopsies. so i walk into the class and there is a line of ppl. well actually 2 lines. one for the espanol speakers and one for us white speakin folk. ya i went right to the front of my line. the other line held about 20 ppl with a geo full of ppl yet to come. after that i sat down at a random table to chat chit with myself about the ridiculousness of my situation. this lady came up to me and handed me a piece of paper talking about how to get a GED. haha i looked at her and said..."uh i graduated." she looked at me and rolled her eyes then snatched the paper back. i laughed because i guess they assume that everyone in need of a fast food handlers permit is in need of a high school education as well. i looked around and everyone else seemed to be reading the paper with some interest. so then they split the class up for the ingles and the espanol. i was forced to sit through an hour of this lady talking about how germs kill while trying to be the next dane cook. no one laughed though. hopefully she got the point. so one can imagine that i got a bit bored. so i was looking around and was checking out a few of the attractive looking individuals. one was a cutie ginger with gauges but prolly no more than 17. dang. the other one i was looking at was pretty caute i thought. that is until he stood up and put his bag over his shoulder which accentuated his boobs. ya oops.....twas a girl. you would think after a few years of distinguishing the sex of ppl id have it figured out. hmmmm. well after all this i got a little blue card with my name on it that the health department will not replace if lost.

$15 for 1.5 hours of my life ill never get back - priceless.

out with the old in with the new!

i have worn my plaid jacket a little over year on pretty much a daily basis. it has holes that have grown in it. it also has a sonic aroma to it no matter how many times it is washed. it is pretty much the most hardcore coat i have ever owned. i finally retired it and replaced it today with an exact replica but with an added on fur hood. my life is bueno at the moment:) RIP plaid jacket #1.

fallen leaf

something happens when you leave the world behind and find a quiet corner in nature.

something happens when you forget about your 60 hr work weeks.

something happens when you leave the worry of new beginnings and failing friendships behind.

something happens when you forget about other peoples worries and yours as well.

something happens when the sound of the city fades and the cold wind finds your hair and the colors of fall fall into your eyes and every breath is snow from the top of the mountain.

its something and that something is amazing. free therapy. to the next customer in line...middle finger raised. cause im in my corner of therapy.

.

no worries...im just an insomniac.

its cold in the desert at night. my brain doesnt seem to shut off anymore. sleep isnt natural anymore. i have to force it with pills. but its too late for that right now. i will have to fall into a big pile of exhaustion sometime after dawn. thought after thought. school,family,religion,love,friendships. things that should be put away and thought about after a good nights rest. i will fall asleep and wake up to my continuing thought process. 

life is about making it what you want it to be. all the power in the world is held within each individual. we take the power we have and put it towards the happiness we think will bring us joy. i want to fix everyone i meet. i want to make sure their life is full of happiness before i move on to the next. money should not be a factor in this but it is. i want to be able to help those in need. i cant. i want to fix the world. i cant. i want to sleep. i cant. 

perhaps this life isnt about getting what i want. it is about learning how to help others in their time of need. i look at people around me....most of them older than me...most of them telling me how young and naive i am....most of them in need of  a smile and a chat chit. i will be the young and naive one to help them out. i will be the one to fix them and then move on to the next. 

perhaps the next hour will bring sleep.

the story

so life is turning out to be quite interesting lately. this is in no way a diss on you sieanne but when u were here i was comfortable just hanging with you. we didnt really get out much. but lately i have been getting out and actually meeting new people and hanging out with them. its quite exciting and somewhat of a new concept for me. haha im lame. so i got accepted to ldsbc. im pretty excited about that for sure. i feel like im trying to make something of my life again. it also means that my stay in SLC is gonna be longer than i ever expected. i thought a year was gonna b the max but itll b a bit longer now. so life is moving forward. im excited to see what happens for sure.

RAWR. that means i love you in dinosaur!

and a round of applause for sieanne. she made it in utah for 6 months and 28 days. its amazing how many experiences one can have in that amount of time. 6 months and 28 days can mean nothing in one persons life and everything in anothers. i think life is about living. mistakes will be made, love will be lost, friends will be made and lessons will be learned. congrats on a memorable time here. take care of yourself and mush!

while the city sleeps, we rule the streets

i am loving the city. it has taken about 6 months but i love it! i come into salt lake everyday now. i go to coffee break every morning with sieanne and we chill for about 30 minutes and just listen to the traffic drive by. then we go to work at atomic blonde! it is a way fun job to have! i dont get paid in a traditional way! i get free product like every week! hahaha so fun! i cant believe me and sin have been here for 6 months. it is just mind-blowing. haha we didnt even venture into the city for like the first 3 months we lived here! now i cant wait for our lease to be up so we can move closer into the city for another year of fun! i love the friends ive made here and the new lifestyle ive adjusted to. its definitely a much faster paced one then what ive been used to the past 20 years. i just love this city. it is definitely a hippie culture here. yesterday a friend asked me what was different from here and arkansas. i told him there are less cows. he said that there are cows here. i laughed a bit and told him i havnt seen any. i also love that there is always something going on here. the past 2 weekends there have been different festivals. there was an eco friendly "go green" festival then a folk one! so fun. this summer is going to be packed with free concerts! im so excited! alright well back to work....nah...back to fun! 

oh please just let me please breakdown

My empty room

Crowded to soon
I look for the fire escape
I picture myself
Running like hell
Making my getaway

The walls are caving in with no warning
This ship is sinking, I gotta swim for it
I'm running out of air

Break me out tonight
I wanna see the sun rising anywhere but here
Come with me
Oh, this could be
The only chance we get
We gotta take it
We don't do it now we'll never make it
Lose this crowd
Oh break me out

Whisper of our feet
Sneak down the street
Some kind of secret race
They'll carry on
Won't notice we're gone
So easily replaced

The walls are caving in with no warning
This ship is sinking, I gotta swim for it
I'm running out of air

Break me out tonight
I wanna see the sun rising anywhere but here
Come with me
Oh, this could be
The only chance we get
We gotta take it
We don't do it now we'll never make it
Lose this crowd
Oh break me out

The walls are caving in with no warning
This ship is sinking, I gotta swim for it
I got a feeling we're better off anyway
I don't care what they say

Break me out tonight
I wanna see the sun rising anywhere but here
Come with me
Oh, this could be
The only chance we get
We gotta take it
We don't do it now we'll never make it
Lose this crowd
Oh break me out

yep....my feelings i life right now. so much happening for seamlessly no reason at all. happening all at once and yet time doesnt move. moments in life like this are needed but just not now would be nice.

day 13 of 13-the final riot!

well last night was it! my 30 day journey turned to 13. i think i still became a little bit of a night owl. last night was fun. some drunken boys that come through all the time came through last night and we ended up hanging out in the parking lot. haha! aight so some of the lessons ii have learned over the past 2 weeks. i have learned to be patient with drunk and stoned persons when they are ordering really slowly! i have learned to be completely bored for hours and not go to sleep because of it. i have learned to not be so jumpy when hobos walk by...although i still am a really jumpy person. i have also learned to sleep during the day...which kinda sucks because i now have to relearn to sleep at night like most other normal/boring peeps! yep yep well thats it...thats all! goodbye graveyard!

day 12 of 13!-i wanna tear you apart

so last night started out with me intently listening to sonic radio bc kara dedicated me a song on it! haha i love her! the song was my girl....awwwwwwwwww! that was the highlight of my night for sure! although the rest of the night wasnt bad at all! around 1 oclock michelle got a call from aaron! he got out of jail early! way early!!! so she went and picked him up and hurried back as quickly as she could. we totally had a rush for a bit but it was totally ok cause aaron was there to help! woo. i pretty much attacked him with the biggest hug possible when he walked through the door. haha. so im going to do one more shift for him tonight because apparently he didnt get that much sleep in le jail...i dont see why not. jk jk! poor lil nugget. well im going to get some sleep so i can work my last shift of this not quite 30 day mess! 

day 10 and 11 of 27 - anna molly

yesterday was pretty crazy so i had no time to write a post or sleep!!! so wed night we had no orders from 2-6am....pretty much i sat on my ass and watched a romantic movie..ooers! the bread man scared me half to death at 4:30a...he usually doesnt come in till 8 but is now going to start coming a bit earlier. he prolly thought i was a weirdy for sitting in a completely dead sonic watching 2 weeks notice. perhaps he thought....she needs to get a life. i tell u bread man! sonic is my life!.....for a few more days that is... than it is back to workin days and getting down on the dance floor at night! so moving on to last night. rebecca and sieanne came by to visit for a few minutes! we had a dance party and i invited a nice lookin individual at the drive thru to join us but he politely declined as he was emptying out his pipe..."maybe another time" he said. after they left and my cook left....i was bored. but then christine showed up! yaya. we talked about life and love and right as we were talking about love....i cut a tomato and it smushed everywhere! haha coincidence...i think not! love is like a tomato....if it is smooshy to begin with then it will not cut properly...it has to be nice and firm to be cut into a good tomato to later be eaten with a dead cow patty. yuuummmmm!!! yes well now i have updated for 2 days...sorry about the delay. i havnt slept in many hours and it shows cause i left my phone at work! who does that. oh yes....a very tired individual.