dont wanna tell you i told you so.

So im just not quite sure what to do with life right now. Ive got school going for me. I love learning how design clothes, i really do! I have work which is actually pretty fun most of the time. And my new place downtown is just uhmazing! I love walking or using public transportation, which i was scared shitless of until now. Its not that im not happy right now but i also have prozac going for me so i might be medically happy and not know that im sad....hahah oh well. Guess i will figure everything out eventually but until then i will just chalk everything up to a learning experience even though sometimes i def dont want to learn my lesson and keep messing up in my search for an answer. well off to class...ps ive been at school since 9 this morning and will be here until 7...i hate wednesdays for this reason.

just when you thought i was normal...

days like today i think i might be a sociopath..."look at me,do i care?" other feelings through out the day mainly towards everyone that trys to make contact with me...dont talk to me. now why would i act like this when the rest of the time i am perfectly content with faking a smile towards any on looker...well i didnt say i had it all figured out. but just a warning...ill fake that smile and youll follow me right in....

un called for!

so i was standing in my kitchen just now making cookies. the kitchen window was slightly open through which i heard a moo-ing sound. first thought...are there cows around here? 2nd thought...omg! someone is watching me make cookies and making obscene cow noises at me! 3rd thought...my neices joke-what do cows say when they go backwards? oom oom. haha cracks me up every time but it wasnt enough to console me. so i went into sieannes room and told her about the incident. she stared at me in disbelief and reminded of the cow pasture not too far from our house. oh im glad someone knows the farm life that lives around here:)

all stars lead to a broken heart.

so im home! it feels good to have all my stuff back here. i am going to dc on wednesday to help with babies. i am def excited. i have loved meeting athalie. she is friggin adorable. and really a good baby. i am excited to go out to dc and start over pretty much. well see how things go. then i will be back home for the summer. i really dont know what i am up to really. i might move back to dc after the summer or back to slc. i really have no passion to stay here in arkansas. i love spending time with my family! but this city just doesnt do it for me anymore. uggg i obviously love making these decisions because i put myself in these situations all the time for sure. yep yep well i will enjoy a few more day shere then off to dc. i must get used to no sleep!

ask me what its like to have myself so figured out...

so i get to go hang out with all the cool people in park city. im excited. perhaps i will land on E! in the background of an actual big star. ooooo. the thing i love most about sundance is that everyone is there just to chill. note to self. must work at sundance before i die. hmmm perhaps i should lower that timeframe a bit....within the next 5 years. idk where ill be in life by then but i will make it back before then. well new year, a month has already passed and you are already kicking my ass. school and work and work and school. new equation. minus a job and add in a social life.

ive realized i need to add a few hobbies into my life so when i actually find myself on my day off and out of school i will be able to function properly. my social life needs to improve so i can find a cute guy and not freak out in my normal style. must keep it cool. im sure there is a manual i need to read that will instruct me in these ways.

off to find out how live my life. tootles.

blah random thoughts

so this is me thinking.perhaps if i write it all out it will make more sense to me. salt lake has more opportunity to meet ppl and to go some where in a career. but i am tired of living here and working all the time and having no money cause i pay all the bills on time which is why i need to get a career and get some money. but i could move home.. i would still have to pay the rent there. i could go to school here and there but i would miss out on this semester unless i started it here or moved before my lease was up and move back home. i guess im just tired of being alone out here.. all of my friends are seriously in relationships and so happy with them that i dont have anyone to hang with...when im not working. which is all the friggin time! I wanna move to new york. ha just a thought. id love to move home and be home with sin when she raises her baby but id much rather be home in a few years when i have a career and can afford to help her out better. if i go home ill have family that love me but i will still be in russellville. which i hold a big grudge against that city. it has nvr done anything for me. this sounds stupid but i dont want to go to a high school reuniion and say that i still live in russellville. how LAME is that for real! there is more of a music scene out here. there is more oppourtunity to progress out here. i guess i just need to find better friends that wont ditch me all the time. every time i try to figure this out in my head i come to the conclusion that staying here is the better choice. i think im just gonna give this place one more semester. i cant really lose anything. i will go to school and try to start something for myself. i know arkansas has schools i can go to but like i said...i just dont wanna live there again. i would love if my family would live by me. im not saying i will nvr move home bc if after this semester nothing has happened...i havnt been able to save money..i havnt gone on a few dates...i havnt progressed any in school..then i will prolly move home but for now i think i will just stay here. i will get on ksl and find a cheap place to live at the beginning of jan. my car is almost paid off so i can get a new one i just really hope that it doesnt die before i get the chance to get a new one. stay with me car! i think right now i am just tired of being broke although i work like 60 hrs a wk. im tired of not being able to have a social life because i work all the time and when i get the chance to hang i dont have money to do anyting. im tired of other ppl being in realtionships and it seems impossible for me to even get a guy to ask me out. im tired of the 5 pds ive gained because i dont have time to exercise and im tired of being so damn cold all the time. well i think thats it for now. im glad i got to write this out. it actually helped to clear my head. now i just have to get registered for school. i get to go home soon. i wish i could visit for longer then 9 days but thatll prolly be enough to keep me broke for a bit:)

fa la la la la la la la la

it is officially the christmas season. today i walked in the store to do some shopping and heard the jolly ringing of those salvation army bells. after that i walked into work and heard christmas music playing over the intercom. it is a week before thanksgiving and christmas has already started. on another note i get to go home in less than a month for 10 days to spend the christmas season with the fam. i am super excited for that! woooo.

today while on the phone with sieanne i came to the conclusion that i might not have the moral compass and i am strangely ok with that. ill figure out if i should worry about that at some other point in my life. well im off to eat the first of many thanksgiving dinners. 10 pounds of thanksgiving cheer here i come!